[Author’s Note: This episode is from Karkov's perspective.]
Karkov once again failed to take the bait, and Rin slumped back in her chair pouting.
“At first, I thought it was random,” he continued. “Maybe you were out of bullets or he happened to be handy when you were in the mood.”
Rin smiled, a welcome change. “Now who has the low opinion?”
“Not low or high. You just are who you are. But then I noticed something about him.”
“That he was more of a man than you?” she muttered.
“Most of us don’t remember what we looked like in our youth. Especially back then. We didn’t even have mirrors. At best, we occasionally saw ourselves reflected in water. Do you know what you looked like as a girl?”
“Much the same, I expect,” Rin noted dryly. “Are you going somewhere with this?”
“I mean back when you were sixteen or seventeen. But I suppose in your case it’s still pretty close. You were only twenty-two when you became immortal, but I was closer to thirty-six. While we’re on the subject, Darrouil was just sixteen when you first ran into him.”
“I didn’t ask, and I don’t care,” Rin replied curtly. “Still more of a man than you were.”
Karkov’s face lit up. “That’s just it! Almost. He was the man I was, or at least he looked the part. It took a while to conjure the memory of where I’d seen his face before. It was in the still-water. He looked exactly like I did at 16. You probably didn’t even realize what drew you to him.”
“I didn’t know you when you were sixteen,” Rin pointed out. “And Daryl looks nothing like you. I think I would have noticed.”
Karkov shook his head. “You did know me when I was sixteen. You were just a kid, and I stayed with your family for a week. I always suspected that was when you developed your crush.”
“You never mentioned anything of the sort.”
“I didn’t bring it up since you didn’t. I thought maybe you were ashamed to acknowledge a girlhood crush. Besides, you still were grieving and I didn’t want to invoke painful memories. I thought maybe I would lose you if I did.”
“Yeah, and then you’d never get the chance to use and betray me.”
“As for Darrouil, it’s true he looks nothing like me now,” Karkov continued, unfazed. “By the time he finally found you, he must have been nearly thirty. We aged differently. But seeing him that first time, I immediately realized what had happened. And I had an idea.”
“You should try not to.”
“You’ve been obsessed with this purpose of yours for a long time. It’s a good one, I’ll grant you that. If we thought alike back then, maybe …,” he reflected aloud with a wistful air.
Seeing the expression of distaste this occasioned, Karkov didn’t finish the train of thought. “Anyway, the point is that you finally had found something. I wasn’t sure if it was anything that would last, but it gave me hope for you.”
“You’re reading too much into this nonsense. I almost killed him like the rest.”
“But you didn’t. You even bothered to make sure suspicion wouldn’t fall on him. It was a kind thing to do.”
“So? I was feeling generous. I’m a kind and generous person.” Even Rin’s disdain sounded tired.
“The woman who views humans as ants? I can see you troubling to avoid an anthill, maybe even a single ant. But to go out of your way to protect one from other ants?”
“I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone, least of all you.”
“Yeah, you were that obvious,” Karkov pointed out, ignoring the outburst.
Rin yawned. “So he was your pet from the very beginning?”
“Darrouil didn’t know who I was, and I never spoke with him until later. Until you sent him to me.”
Rin gave him a dirty look, and he waved dismissively. “Oh don’t play dumb. You as much as told him to seek me out. How else would he even know who I was? I still have no idea why you did that, but it doesn’t matter. And then there’s the matter of that ridiculous story you told the boy.”
Karkov preemptively put up his hand. “I don’t want to know. I’m sure you had some convoluted reason to tell it the way you did, and frankly I don’t care. I didn’t disabuse him of the nonsense you filled his little head with.”
“I appreciate that you said nothing,” Rin interjected, before he could continue. “It must have been hard being cast as the hero instead of the villain. How magnanimous of you to let that stand.”
“It was not my job to correct your lie to your apprentice, and I did not.”
Rin looked away. Though she remained silent, it was clear that Karkov’s rebuke had hit home. When her eyes finally returned to his, she offered a wan smile.
“There were many reasons,” she explained, paying his professed disinterest no mind. “I did not wish for sympathy. I cannot abide pity, and I certainly would not tolerate the capacity for it in an assistant. Pity breeds contempt, and rightly so. There is no way to convincingly disavow it, and even those who do not seek it are thus affected. Besides, it is a pointless emotion. Things happen. There is no such thing as good or bad, so how can there be just or unjust, enviable or pitiable? Those foolish enough to feel pity are as contemptible as the objects of that pity. What happened simply was a part of my life …”
“Then you forgive …,” Karkov interjected with a hopeful air.
“Just as being eternally bound in torment will be part of yours,” Rin continued before he could finish.
“Not so keen on the forgiveness, then.”
“But it wasn’t just that,” she continued. “I’m not particularly proud of having fallen for your little trick. It was a time I let love and youthful naivete cloud my judgment. You clouded my judgment. To be fooled is bad enough, but to be fooled by one such as you …”
Karkov waved his hand impatiently. “Yes, yes, it must be intolerable. If only it had been somebody worthy of your greatness who buried you alive.”
“A wiser man would know better than to keep highlighting his own villainy.”
“A wiser man would not have had to resort to that villainy.”
Rin shot him a quizzical glance, but Karkov did not elaborate. “The point is,” she replied, “that the truth in this instance would not serve me well. One does not discuss the potty-training of a monarch or the degrading path from lowly apprentice to master. A certain decorum needs to be maintained. I didn’t describe my bowel movements to him either. Besides, if a man thinks a woman is easily beguiled by love, he may get notions. I have a cure for such notions — but then I wouldn’t have an assistant, and the whole question of who told whom what would be moot.”
“This was more troublesome than mere ignorance of your bathroom habits,” Karkov protested. “The poor boy was pitifully misinformed.”
“Well, if he was smarter he would have figured it out. It was completely obvious. I just didn’t say it outright. It was to be one of those unspoken things which we both knew but neither acknowledged.”
“Except he didn’t know it.”
Rin shrugged. “Whose fault is that?”
Karkov shook his head. “I didn’t ask why you did this silly thing, because I was certain the explanation would make no sense. And you did not disappoint. But that is neither here nor there. Your reasons are your own, such as they are. You told it as you saw fit, and that is enough. As I said, I did not correct the account. But I did help him understand us a bit better. Anyway, he eventually found you, so all’s well that ends well.”
Rin smiled. “Yes, it will end well.” Her eyes suddenly narrowed. “You said you sent him to me the first time. That wasn’t the first time.”
Karkov nodded. “I was getting to that.”
“Evidently, rather slowly.”
“I first came across Darrouil just by chance, after dealing with your carnage at the Palace. The army mistakenly believed your onslaught had begun in the city, but I tried to reconstruct your path. In doing so, I located a checkpoint where nearly everybody had been massacred. All but one, in fact. I wasn’t surprised that a single kid could be overlooked in the chaos, though it did strike me as sloppy.”
“The survivor was a boy, traumatized and barely functional when I found him. It was lucky for him that I was the one to do so. Even if not obviously guilty, he was far from safe. You killed the leader of the country, destabilizing everything. The secret police probably would have executed him just for good measure. Fortunately, I returned when I did. I couldn’t have missed you by more than an hour or two.” Karkov smirked. “Does that bother you?”
Rin rolled her eyes. “Of course not. I would have been denied the pleasure of your present verbal dysentery. For heaven’s sake, can you please get to the point already?”