Episode 79

(March 17, 2002)

“Why?” Daryl demanded, the hurt plainly written on his face.

Karkov couldn’t help but smile. The boy really was innocent. “It was nothing personal,” he explained. “You see, I just felt like it.”

Before Daryl could protest, he continued. “Of course, I thought it would be pretty obvious to you by now. Or at least that you would have taken the hint last week, when I alluded to her being unkillable even as a Four. But it wasn’t, and you didn’t.”

He studied Daryl for a moment. “I’ll put it plainly. Rin is something else. She isn’t like the rest of us. And not simply because she’s the Crafter.”

“What exactly are you saying? That she’s some sort of monster or demon?”

Karkov grimaced and waved dismissively. “Nothing so gauche. She’s Rin. That’s all there is to it.” He looked Daryl in the eyes, his voice suddenly serious. “You would do well not to spend too much time around her.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You’re just trying to dehumanize her. Are you that desperate to separate us?”

Without warning, Karkov grabbed his hand. One flick of the wrist and Daryl’s whole body went rigid with pain.

“I told you I would let you go unharmed. There’s a lot I can do without actually harming you.” He disdainfully released the hand, and Daryl clutched it, eyeing him warily.

With an insouciant air, Karkov clarified. “Do not mistake concern for Rin with concern for you, boy. I do not dislike you, and I feel a certain …” He placed two fingers close together. “… very small obligation toward you for reasons too insignificant to mention. But don’t misunderstand. If I wished to separate you, you would be separated. Are we clear?”

Daryl nodded.

Karkov cupped his ear. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Yes, we’re clear,” Daryl muttered, still with a look of defiance.

“Good.” Karkov leaned back in his chair. “On the other hand, you also must not mistake my kind intentions for manipulation. I have no need to manipulate one such as you.”

His expression grew gentler. “Do you not understand what Rin is? What she can do? Even I didn’t fully realize until our recent conversation. Her protections shield our bodies, nothing more. She was very clear about this. Think about what that means.”

After a few seconds of silence, Karkov grew frustrated with Daryl’s apparent inability to grasp his point. But he hardly could blame the boy. Daryl hadn’t spent the last few thousand years pondering the subject. With a sigh, he sat back.

“It means Rin is a much greater threat to the universe than I imagined,” Karkov explained, his voice gruffer than intended. “It means she may not be restricted to binding humans.”

“What would the protections even mean for something other than a human?” Daryl asked, clearly interested.

Karkov shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe they would be different protections, or maybe their function conforms to its object. Regardless, the danger is real.”

Daryl’s solemn nod came as a relief. “So you’re afraid of her?” he quietly asked Karkov. There was no contempt in his voice.

“There’s no point to being afraid. Fear is an emotion which serves specific purposes. But yes, I fear Rin. Only a fool would not. She probably doesn’t even realize what she can do, or how dangerous she truly is. This is the queen you serve.”

Daryl was silent for a few moments, and Karkov began to wonder if he was pouting. Finally, he adopted a resolute expression, as if defying the world to challenge his decision.

“None of this makes any difference. I won’t abandon Rin. Even if all that is true. Even if she truly can’t be killed. I won’t leave her alone in the world.”

“But you will.” Karkov smiled. “You are mortal.”

“At least we can have a lifetime together. I can remain by her side for as long as I live.”

Karkov shrugged. “Rin is as alone with you at her side as without. There is no changing that. She is the loneliest creature in the universe, and the one with the least hope.”

“Then all the more reason not to abandon her,” Daryl protested, his voice bubbling with passionate optimism. Karkov inwardly groaned. Was he inadvertently helping the boy find an excuse to be stupid?

“Have you even been listening? You cannot cure her loneliness, and you cannot kill her. But none of these are the reasons you should leave her. Even if you aren’t worried about dying or being harmed or lessened, even if you’re the boldest, most stoic hero who ever lived, there is something you should worry about … if Rin matters to you at all.”

This got Daryl’s attention, and he continued. “There is one thing you can do to Rin, and that is hurt her.”

“You said nobody can do that.”

“Only physically. You love Rin. You’ve admitted this. Did it ever occur to you that she loves you too?”

Daryl shook his head. “You told me that before, but you’re wrong. She’s made it pretty clear she doesn’t. In fact, I don’t think she regards me as anything more than an insect.”

“Yes, that sounds like something she would say. You may be an insect, but you are her insect, the insect she loves. I can tell you this.”

Again, Karkov waved dismissively before Daryl could object. “As I said, you must accept that I know Rin better than you.”

“I mustn’t do anything,” Daryl declared.

Karkov’s eyes narrowed, but he quashed his anger. Daryl just was a petulant boy. Would he have reacted any differently if told to abandon the woman he loved? He couldn’t even remember how he felt long ago when he realized he must. Back then, there was nobody to tell him and nobody to blame. Was that why he hated himself so much? Well, the least he could do was offer the boy someone to hate.

“No doubt. Well, then let’s just hope you’re smart enough to decide to,” he replied dryly, growing irate despite himself. Was the boy obstinate or just plain obtuse?

“Do you not understand? If you remain with Rin, she will have to kill you. Despite what you may think, Rin does not wish to kill you. If Rin wished to kill you, you would be dead. Why she does not wish to kill you, is beyond me. You are very killable. You ardently inspire the desire to kill you. As I said, I have refrained for various reasons.” He leaned toward Daryl. “Reasons unrelated to your well-being.”

He leaned back and watched the ceiling fan for a moment. “If you force Rin to kill the boy she loves, how will that make her feel? Have you considered that?”

“Who cares?” Daryl snapped. “I’ll be the one killed. If she kills me, she deserves to suffer for it.”

Daryl’s arm rose a fraction of a second too late to block the smack, had it landed. But Karkov stopped short and burst into laughter instead. “You two really were made for one another.”

Leaning back, he decided he would not abandon the boy to his fate just yet. At the very least he could try a little harder to help him see. Did that ever work? More important, why was he doing any of this? He wondered if it was guilt. That was something he had not felt in a very long time.

These days it mostly was regret. Not regret for what he had done, but regret for having to do it. No, this wasn’t guilt. Karkov realized that he genuinely liked Daryl. However, his face remained cold and impenetrable.

“I won’t say what you should do, though you know what I would do.”

“What would you do?” Daryl eagerly asked, as if groping for any excuse to choose what he desired. Or was he just being conversational until Karkov released him? It was hard to tell. Most game players were easy to read, almost laughably so in their incompetence. Their deceptions were plainly aligned with their obvious self-interest. But there was a real danger of overanalyzing someone who was earnest. Nobody truly could read another’s mind, so who could tell what Daryl’s deliberations entailed? For all he knew, the boy’s question could be facetious. Karkov decided it didn’t matter.

He smiled. “I’d go with her.”

“I see.” Daryl considered this. “But you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t.”

Daryl sighed. “And I shouldn’t either.”

“The two have nothing to do with one another,” Karkov snapped.

This rebuke took Daryl aback. “I thought you wanted me to leave her?”

“I want you to choose. You must make your own choice, not mine. My reason for preferring one outcome over another has nothing to do with what you should decide. You are not here to please me, but to do what you deem best.”

“So that I won’t regret it?”

“You’ll regret it either way,” Karkov warned. “Regret is an inevitable outcome of having a choice. The other way always could have been better.”

“Then how should I choose?”

Karkov grimaced, before realizing it was half-rhetorical. This wasn’t sycophantry; the boy genuinely was unsure.

“I cannot tell you that,” he replied in a softer tone. “For the record, I didn’t get to choose. At least not recently. She wouldn’t have me. But one day she will.”

“But she would have me,” Daryl noted, ignoring the boast. Karkov nodded.

Suddenly, Daryl looked up. “Yes, but you’re immortal.” It almost sounded plaintive.

Karkov didn’t envy the boy his choice. Which was luckier: the moth who perished in the flame or the one who lived a moth’s life? Such a question could only matter to moths, he supposed.

Daryl sighed. “I think I know what I must do.”

“There is no must about it,” Karkov admonished, gently this time. “And you had best be certain. There is no turning back, either way. My offer of help is a one time deal.”

“I understand.” Daryl did not seem happy, but that was to be expected. Either way he was condemning himself in one fashion or another.

“Then let’s hear it.”

Daryl began to explain his choice, but Karkov stopped him. “All I needed was your answer. Your reasons matter only to you. For me, it is enough that you chose.”

With that, he rose.

As Karkov retrieved his hat from the table, Daryl suddenly called out to him. His voice had a pleading quality.

“Did I make the right choice?”

It was an unexpected moment of weakness, but Karkov decided to ignore it. This was a more formidable battlefield than any the boy had seen.

He shrugged. “Do you want my assurance that you guessed the right answer? Or do you desire credit merely for the effort of making a choice. Perhaps I should sanctimoniously announce that yes, your choice is correct because it’s your choice?”

Karkov gave Daryl a poignant look.

“Take it from someone who has lived in this world a long time: there only are wrong choices.”

The End of Book 1